You can tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to.
Music, after all, is the universal language: “One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.” I think Nietzsche said that. Or maybe it was Sartre? Doesn’t matter.
What does my music taste say about me? It says that I'm better than you.
Look, you can trust me – a white guy with a still-developing brain that's easily manipulated by online influencers – to know what I’m talking about when it comes to these matters.
It’s not easy to curate a listening palette that’s alternative enough to make me appear cool, yet mainstream enough to garner a satisfactory amount of likes when I post a song on my Instagram story, but my God I think I’ve mastered it.
What I’ve done is saved you the trouble and put together a playlist of this sort, so that you too can flaunt your superior music knowledge to a bunch of apathetic strangers on the internet. No need to thank me, but you are welcome.
A sneak peek at what’s inside:
The Smashing Pumpkins, ever heard of them? Yeah, I didn’t think so — they’re pretty underground.
Huh? They sold 30 million albums and were one of the most successful bands of the '90s? No, I don’t think that’s right. Anyways, do you know why the genre is called shoegaze?
Do you like Jeff Buckley? I love listening to artists that died tragically young. Their music carries a weight of melancholy that you just can’t get with the living.
I used to never listen to any female musicians, but I’ve been giving some of them a chance recently and hey, some of these chicks are pretty cool! Fiona Apple, anyone?
I just can’t bring myself to listen to modern rap. It’s so soulless! I only listen to the '90s stuff — that was real hip hop. Also BROCKHAMPTON.
I don’t listen to much '80s music, but when I do I listen to new wave bands with lead singers that look like Edward Scissorhands.
Sure, I listen to country music, but not in a Keystone Light and Marlboro reds type of way. I listen to it more in a Voodoo Ranger and American Spirit blues type of way.
I don’t support industry plants like Olivia Rodrigo. I’d much prefer to listen to Lorde, thank you very much.
I think that George Harrison was the best Beatle.
I liked Teenage Dirtbag before it blew up on TikTok.
I think Obama should consult me for his yearly lists.
Do most of these sentences start with “I”? That’s alright. Listen to me, me, me.
Whatever. Office DJs are a silly concept.
Here’s the playlist, you sickos.
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