A little for every chap in gay 'boy feature
Beware: The gay cowboys are coming. Right now, somewhere in Los Angeles, director Ang Lee is busy counting the accolades he's collected for his film "Brokeback Mountain." A few miles away in West Hollywood, retailers are busy counting all the cash rolling in thanks to Lee's efforts, as gay men empty their savings accounts on a new wardrobe of Cowboy-chic plaid - something not even Madonna could popularize back with that Music album. In the red states, of course, they're cleaning out their bomb shelters and preparing for fire and brimstone - just like one conservative radio host who recently told Larry King, "What we're witnessing, Larry, is the homosexualizing of America." They all know the coming of the gay cowboys is only the beginning, and they're right. It won't end with Clint Eastwood. Gay cowboys won't stop until they've "homosexualized" all of straight America's prized institutions. To that end, they've abandoned their longtime partners in liberalism at PETA, who were none too happy when they started capturing wild horses and forcing them to endure hours of airbrushing to ensure they look just like the ones on ol' Brokeback. Instead, they've started joining the NRA in record numbers, making room in their busy schedules for target practice right between pilates class and picketing for the right to hunt elk in Yellowstone - if there's a chance it will bring them a little bit closer to Jake Gyllenhaal. Pretty soon, they'll be moving in on the Republican Party, abandoning the not-masculine-enough Democrats in favor of joining the supreme cowboy himself, George W. Bush. Of course, Dubya is not a real rancher, but gawsh darnit if his 10-gallon hats don't just make those gay cowboys want to vote him in for a third term. And don't think it ends there. Once they've become full-fledged cowboys and taken over all of America's dude ranch associations, they'll be gathering recruits from among the straight ranks and converting them to their scandalous lifestyle. Not that they need any help. The movie's pretty convincing. Sure, the gay cowboys are taking over the NRA, but Charlton Heston and company are sticking around to see if Jake shows up to give a few lessons in riding without a saddle. The film seems to have the power to convince any heterosexual male who owns a few plaid shirts and gags at the sight of Michelle Williams that he, too, is gay. Of course, none of that is true. If it were, then we really would have something to talk about. As it turns out, "Brokeback Mountain" didn't quite change the world as many people - gay, straight, red- and blue-staters alike - predicted it would. Yes, as conservatives feared, straight people are going to see the movie, but straight men aren't going out to buy chaps the second they leave the theater. And neither are their gay counterparts. "Brokeback" is actually a pretty benign love story that bored the hell out of a lot of my gay friends and made some of my straight pals shed real tears. But instead of forcing the country down a path toward acceptance, it's possible that the film just might have showed us that we're a lot farther along on that path than Bill O'Reilly's rantings or all the gay cliches on "Will and Grace" and "The L Word" would have us believe. So, while the movie isn't likely to change anyone's politics, maybe there was a lesson in there somewhere. Contact John Coggin at jcoggin@email.unc.edu.