Alison Krug (SinglesWithFoodAllergies.com) and Kiana Cole (SeaCaptainDate.com) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You:How do I ask the cute guy in my class to be my Valentine?
You Asked for It: Sadly, the fate of our relationship status for the next year is often determined by how successful we are at schmoozing attractive classmates on Valentine’s Day.
You thought teach up there was a professor? Maybe any other day of the year, but today, she’s your wingwoman. Define this dynamic by presenting her with a tearful “Will you be my bridesmaid?” display, but cross out “bridesmaid” and write “wingwoman,” adding in any and all inside jokes you two have, like how you got a 75 on your last essay for simply forgetting one parenthetical citation. Haha!
Now that your professor has organized your love interest’s Scantron bubbles to spell out “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU” on your next exam, it’s time for you to make moves.