Alison Krug (“Boo,” like, in a cute way) and Kiana Cole (“Boo,” like, get off the stage) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I still have fun on Halloween in college?
YAFI: Somewhere along the way, Halloween goes from a carefree night of harvesting candy from strangers to a carefree night of harvesting weird looks from strangers when you dress up as a pig in a blanket.
As Theodore Roosevelt said in his 1905 inaugural address, “A bangin’ costume is the crux upon which any democracy must stand.” Prioritize comfort above all else. Don’t worry — this doesn’t mean you can’t look good doing it.
Strap your entire suite’s supply of pillows to yourself with extra large rubber bands to be America’s sexiest tire icon, the Michelin Man. Better yet, strap your entire suite’s supply of pillows to yourself with extra large rubber bands to be a pillow.
When you make weird decisions from the adrenaline of the evening — like trying to flirt on a dare and running away because it’s awkward — remember it’s all for a good cause, as you’re simply celebrating society’s most wholesome holiday.
You: I still don’t have a Halloween costume!
YAFI: Whether you’re waiting until the last minute to capitalize on the latest meme or you’re beginning to realize the Brexit boat costume/Chewbacca Mom mask/Ken Bone sweater you bought is now less than timely, you still have time.
Find your costume inspiration through other people, places, things and nouns that haunt UNC students: ConnectCarolina’s “Check Academic Standing” page, Villanova and the Wainstein report, to name a few.
Afraid you’ll be one of many Sexy Wainstein Reports on Franklin Street come Monday night? Search no further than out your window for another UNC-inspired costume: Recreate such Chapel Hill standards as Carol Folt’s Parking Spot (alternatively, Sexy Carol Folt’s Parking Spot), Lost Parents by the Old Well (or Sexy Lost Parents by the Old Well) or Garbage Squirrel (or Sexy Garbage Squirrel). Want to go with something more obscure? Branch out to Carrboro with a classic Full Municipal Parking Lot costume (degree of sexiness up to you).
Halloween costumes are a lot like elementary school dioramas: If you ask the people you live with for help often enough, they’ll probably just do it for you eventually.
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