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The Daily Tar Heel

Satire: How to get your dream schedule on ConnectCarolina

Texture courtesy of Adobe Stock.

Editor's note: This article is satire.

You’re halfway through the fall semester slogging through another week of endless midterms when you get the dreaded email.

“Dear student,

Undergraduate spring registration begins on…” 

Panic sets in. You scroll further and realize the game's rules have changed. Now, you can waitlist up to 12 credit hours without these hours counting toward your enrollment limit. Also, a Gimghoul member must endorse your spot on the waitlist. 

You get over the initial shock. Go through the five stages of grief. You reach out to your academic adviser, who you have yet to speak to since your old one quit. After rotting in the drop-in advising queue on standby, it’s time to figure out your schedule. 

It looks like you still have 50 general education requirements left; it's almost like they keep adding new ones every year. Before you know it, you’re talked into changing your pre-med track to an English major with a creative writing concentration. It looks like you’ll graduate only five years after you intended! 

Ready to take on a new personality to go with your new major, you start shopping for classes. You realize most of the courses you need haven’t been offered since the fall of 2009, thanks to an attack on tenure. You somehow add enough classes to your cart with over 20 backup plans in Coursicle, just in case something falls through.

It’s now the night before registration. You’ve carb-loaded; you’ve stretched; you have refreshed and closed the ConnectCarolina tab to make sure that green circle is shining back at you. You have prepared in a way you know your peers haven’t. This is your March Madness.

You imagine yourself coming out on top, walking through the quad to your perfect classes, crossing paths with your campus crush and having a lunch break that lines up with all of your friends. 

In the middle of the dream of securing your ideal schedule, your alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m., in just enough time before your 7 a.m. registration. Before you know it, the clock ticks one second until you can enroll. You refresh the tab and you click as fast as you can, but the page won’t load; it buffers and buffers until you get an error message. 

You get flashbacks to the nightmare Taylor Swift Ticketmaster queue. You hadn’t accounted for this in your training. Holding back tears, you persevere and log back in. 

ConnectCarolina finally submits to your desperation, but every class is glaring with a red square.

You frantically click through options 17, 18 and 19 of your backup schedules, but everything is full. There’s no hope. You’re enrolled in six credit hours of a rock climbing class and medieval and early modern music. 

Better luck next time.

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