Satire: New campus strip mall – it’s pit perfect!

Editor's Note: This article is satire.

For years we’ve heard that we’re nearing the end of malls. With the rise of Amazon, online fashion shopping and Amazon (sorry, monopolies get two mentions), physical shopping spaces have seen a massive decline, leaving only a few major malls in our area. People go to the mall about as often as they see their dentist, leaving us in a heap of Shein clothes and bad breath.

And now, a mall is coming to UNC-Chapel Hill’s own hotspot of culture and expression: the Pit.

We’ve all seen it happening. A couple of weeks ago, Kendra Scott set up a pop-up sales station outside the Student Union. The next day it was Pretty Little Thing  — bright pink bus and all. Then there was J.Crew’s "free stuff spinny wheel."

How did we get here? How have these corporations managed to intrude on our lively, bustling campus center? How has our marketplace of ideas turned into a marketplace of bad jewelry, tiny dresses and polo shirts? I have one theory, and it relies on everybody’s favorite movie trope: a plot hinged on miscommunication. 

In my theory, someone from the UNC Board of Governors was having an important business meeting with the money-hungry CEO of some mall-owning property group. Trying to charm his guest, the BOG member likely told a joke about the campus streak through the Pit. The money-hungry CEO, being money hungry as he is, only heard the words “campus,” “strip” and “Pit.” 

Construction for a campus strip mall began the next day.

Frankly, it’s remarkable how fast it happened. Raising Cane’s and The Edition on Rosemary have been under construction since the Paleolithic Age, and a Pit strip mall managed to appear overnight. But business is business, right?

And business is booming. The line for Pretty Little Thing was so long that it filled the entire pit, snaked up the quad, climbed up three floors to TOPO's roof and ordered a gin and tonic. The line for J.Crew consisted of almost every Ben, Brad and Matt on campus (finance class attendance was at an all-time low that day). 

And don’t get me started on Kendra Scott’s spike in social media engagement ever since they posted a TikTok featuring their sales team drowning UNC students in free necklaces, tote bags, sweet drinks and every remaining ounce of their self-worth. Who knew Taylor Swift’s "Blank Space" would sound best at 25x speed?

Some might argue that these groups are taking over space that would normally be held by campus organizations and cultural groups. But I argue: we have enough organization! We have enough culture! Let mini skirts reign over your club’s community service mission!

So, as we hit the halfway mark of the semester, remember that even in the all-too-quick passage of time, there is the constant passage of consumerism. Even if it’s not in the form of a bright pink Pretty Little Thing bus, it’s always around you, urging you to buy your fifth UNC sweatshirt at the student store or tricking you into thinking a beanie might actually look cute on you this fall season. 

Consumerist guilt aside, the Pit is still part of an important mission: helping us to save our labor-loving, plastic-ripping, pocket-draining mall culture — one free tote bag at a time. AND they’re BOGO!

@_hannahkaufman

@dthopinion | opinion@dailytarheel.com