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The Daily Tar Heel

Satire: “I didn’t get a ticket to the Duke-UNC game and I’m OK”

The UNC student section cheers on the football team during the game against Duke in Kenan Stadium on Saturday, Nov. 11, 2023. UNC beat Duke 47-45.

Editor's Note: This article is satire.

Trust me, I tried.

I brainstormed every avenue. I cashed in all my favors — financial, emotional, physical, sensual. I reached out to people I swore I’d never talk to again. I was ghosted by a 500 person GroupMe. 

There was no Duke-UNC ticket for me. 

Had I not sacrificed enough for this team? Was choking down BORGs and embarrassing myself in beer die not enough? Is my extensive Google history of “score of UNC game right now” not sufficient evidence for my love of the game? 

I guess not. 

To be fair, I did forget to enter the lottery. But that doesn’t matter. The lottery should’ve known how bad I wanted that ticket. They should’ve known that I would plot to sneak in, attempting to leap, catlike, over the iron gates protecting Kenan Stadium, only to be escorted out by two burly men who greatly resembled the rest of the Maye dynasty (how many sons does that family have and what did Mrs. Maye put in their green beans growing up?)

Alone and cold, I collapsed outside the stadium — my tears blending in with the rest of my Hex #7BAFD4 RGB 75, 156, 211 color scheme. This was the end of the road. Four years of backing the better blue, and UNC couldn’t open their doors to me on the day it mattered most.

Then, it dawned on me: I didn’t really care. Football games are long and exhausting, dehydrating and expensive. I had everything I needed at home. Instead of a 5-inch hot dog for $20, I could have a free dinner of Trader Joe's microwavable dumplings and use that $20 for gas, utilities or more eggs on DragonVale. And so I did.

The rest of my evening was spent on a couch watching the game with my 15 other friends who didn’t get tickets, cuddled up in blankets and discussing things like the aesthetic value of lamps and who would win in a fight between a giant ant and a rhino. (The rhino wins every time, but the ant puts up a valiant fight with its pincers and agility. It’s kind of like football, actually). 

These are the kinds of meaningful conversations you can’t have at a football game. Here’s a transcription of a real conversation I had with a friend at the Miami game last month:

“Go Heels!”


“I said go Heels! Do you need to pee?”

“I peed fives minutes ago but I could lowkey go again. Wait, the Carolina Girls are coming out.”

“Did Rameses get bigger pecs or is that just me?”

“What’d you say?”

So, yeah. I didn’t get a ticket to the Duke-UNC game, and I’m graduating in the spring. But maybe that’s okay. There will always be another student who will cheer louder, BORG harder, jump around higher when it’s time to jump around. FOMO is a social product of capitalism and the only thing that holds real value in life is laying with the people who love you under a warm lamplight.

Wait, someone just responded to me in the GroupMe. They have an extra ticket. If I go now, I can still make the second overtime! 

Wait for me, Drake!


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