It's officially almost Thanksgiving, aka the national Black Friday pregame.

I don't like playing sports. If you're a new reader, or maybe just have the observation powers of a below-average pug, you might not've known this. But Thanksgiving changes something in me. For this one day a year, I'm wholeheartedly invested in America's thrilling, fast-paced, full-contact pastime. Of course, I'm referring to Black Friday shopping.

I take this holiday very seriously because if I am anything, it's shallow and competitive. Which is why I'm super excited for the Holy Trinity (Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday) to align on the same weekend this year.

In fact, the sweater I'm wearing at this very moment was purchased on Black Friday in 2013. I remember seeing it on a mannequin in H&M, digging through the adjacent shelf for my size, and giving up before stripping said mannequin airport security-style to the horror of an onlooking, underpaid retail worker like it was yesterday. I don't know what came over me. To be honest, it doesn't even fit that well.

— Danny

QUICK HITS

• More than 120 students in the Chapel Hill-Carrboro City Schools system have religious exemptions from vaccination requirements — which, shockingly, leads to increased risks of young people contracting very preventable and very should-be-extinct diseases.
• "Small Business Saturday," an initiative from American Express to promote soulless consumerism on the local level, is situated between Black Friday and Cyber Monday this year.
• Meet DJ Forge and learn what it takes to be the official disc jockey of UNC football. Because you can't have Thanksgiving without football, and I can't read a football story without a non-athletic angle.
• Speaking of being #thankful, Nicki Minaj crushed the AMAs Sunday night. And also two benefactors gave the School of Social Work $1 million or something.

IN CRIME NEWS

Break-ins around Chapel Hill and Carrboro spike over Thanksgiving because literally no one is home. Police recommend students lock up before heading out. One of their biggest tips was also to buy a recording of a growling dog. Unfortunately I'm stuck with a measly real dog, who is 110 pounds of German shepherd — but was also (willingly) wearing a fuzzy Santa hat when I left the house this morning. So take that as you will, aspiring burglars.

IN CAMPUS NEWS

Despite talk of changing this year, most residence halls will close over break. Officials said it's unfair to staff members and unsafe in general to keep all residence halls open over break. Instead, some brave remaining students will pack up their things and flee religious persecution to the world of vacant Everett and Stacy Residence Halls.

IN OUR OPINION

Kelsey and her less-blond husband Drew want to help you combat verbal assaults from both your immediate family and N.C. State fans. Which could even be the same thing, provided the spirits of your Pilgrim ancestors are malevolent enough. But don't worry. If your family does bleed red, you can take solace in knowing you crushed the genetic lottery.

IN THE BLOGS

Here's the best we've got on how to avoid family time over Thanksgiving. Added bonus: These tips extend to avoiding any kind of social interaction, not just with those to whom you're related. Just remember there's technically nothing wrong with having human contact and conversation, especially when you haven't seen your family in months or there's free food being offered.