For April Fool's Day, I'm pretending to know anything about sports

If you asked me for my favorite trashy television show that commodifies and cheapens romance for our collective entertainment, easy — "Baggage" with Jerry Springer. (If you aren't familiar, it requires participants to share three of the crappiest things about themselves and see if people still find them attractive.)

If you asked me what my baggage would be, easier — I'm disgusting and view chicken nuggets only as a utensil for eating honey mustard; I skip the last verse of every song when I'm DJing in the car; I have commitment problems and never finish lists I start.

If the UNC men's basketball team and Syracuse went on Baggage, theirs would be "embarrassing, crippling national athletic scandal." At least according to every headline on sportsball Twitter in the last 48 hours.

— Danny

QUICK HITS

• For students trying to balance mental health with experiencing college life, an understanding of how alcohol and drugs interact with medication should be a top priority.
• Students involved with the Sexuality and Gender Alliance handed out buttons in the Pit yesterday to promote awareness about asking for people's pronoun preferences.
• UNC dining halls have removed Reese's Puffs and Honey Nut Cheerios from cereal dispensers because of allergy concerns. Alternatively: UNC dining halls legitimately think Reese's Puffs contain actual peanuts.
• Our editorial board argues that House Bill 2 is a perfect time for UNC-system President Margaret Spellings to put her money where her mouth is and stand up for the rights of students, staff and faculty.

IN MARCH MADNESS

Check out our full Final Four preview in today's paper. If you're on campus, you can pick one up in any of these locations. If you're online, read about UNC and Syracuse's baggage, Justin Jackson blossoming and why we all love the Tar Heels' communal bromance.

IN UNC FANDOM

UNC has sold 630 of its 700 student tickets for Houston. Students are scrambling for plane tickets, train rides or friends dumb enough to be willing to drive 17 hours. UNC officials say if you get a ticket and we win Saturday, you'll get to head to the championship, too.

IN THE BLOGS

Rameses just had two more babies in time for the Final Four. The twins, Ollie and Marvin, were born March 22. Here is a video of them frolicking with their mom and Rameses' estranged wife, Stella.